I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
