rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
