We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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