at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
