That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
