if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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