You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
