Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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