You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
