I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
