youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
