I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
