I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My ass is underappreciated
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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