Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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