can u get pink eye on your cock?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
