im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
