dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
