you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
