Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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