as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize