I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
