i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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