you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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