too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
