I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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