That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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