So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
