i just sent this text using only my big toe
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
