Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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