I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
