oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
