Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
