He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
is wine microwaveable?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
