What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
