Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
