You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
