I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
