Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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