I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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