I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
