dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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