I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
