i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
