so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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