Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If its not for food we ain't going out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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