I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize