I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
