I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What drink are we having for lunch?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
