I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
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My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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