I wish I could teleport
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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