SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Send help, water and tortillas.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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