look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
