I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm like, not good at living.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
