God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
