just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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