the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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