I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
