Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
