His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
