her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
