I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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