I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
